I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
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Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Gross if literal…Liverpool
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”