Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
You Might Also Like
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
i spent way too long on this
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.