Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
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Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
thank god
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.