I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
You Might Also Like
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
waiting for halloween be like:
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.