I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
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commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
thank god
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years