@ilovepie84

I put suicide notes next to roadkill so their animal families have some closure

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@caithuls

RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?

ME (has a degree in computer science): No

@NamestartswithZ

I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.

@Jamie1947

[tv ad]
Hey folks, this is Don Key!
Come on down to Key’s Automotive for.. uh-
[camera still rolling]
holy shit .. donkey. my name is donkey

@ToskaXxx

I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work

@iGreenMonk

Two red blood cells met and fell in love. But alas, it was in vein.

@dooce

A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.

@AimeeHelene1

*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!

@daddydoubts

As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.

Also the dumbest.

@T_Bonezzz

I like giving names to my furniture

Right now i’m chillin’ with Oscar the Couch