*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
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Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
Ooh I do like a good funnel
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*