I put the D in donut. And I do it quickly before any of my coworkers return to the break room


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Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw


To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*


Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.


[walking out of bathroom]

me: oh boy, do NOT go in there

*guy walks in anyway*

*comes out screaming*

me: ya it’s like super haunted


Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!

-my baby


Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.


Being a parent means you have to make gigantic sacrifices like quality sleep and the backs to every remote control in your house.


83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.


I used to think sex in those apocalyptic movies was so dumb cuz who would want sex when everything’s going to shit? I do, I want sex.. I changed my mind.


If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.