Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
I put the D in donut. And I do it quickly before any of my coworkers return to the break room
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To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Being a parent means you have to make gigantic sacrifices like quality sleep and the backs to every remote control in your house.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
I used to think sex in those apocalyptic movies was so dumb cuz who would want sex when everything’s going to shit? I do, I want sex.. I changed my mind.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.