I’m so single my cat has a cat.
I put the D in donut. And I do it quickly before any of my coworkers return to the break room
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Me: *finally deciding to be productive*
Computer: I SHALL UPDATE FOR YOU NOW
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Sorry I mixed 50,000 instant pudding packets into your above ground pool
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
btw, my linkedin endorsements for “Dreamweaver” are for me singing the song Dreamweaver and not for using that software
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
Tonight we dine in hell!
(Dies in battle)
Hi, Take a seat in the booth with the 3 vegans. Your beets and kale will be out soon.
Gf: you’re speeding!
Me: no im not
Gf: what’s the speed limit?
Me: the speed limit is the liquor store is about to close