@DaddyJew

I put the D in donut. And I do it quickly before any of my coworkers return to the break room

*giggles*

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@trouteyes

Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw

@longwall26

To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*

@anerdonfire2

Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.

@_elvishpresley_

[walking out of bathroom]

me: oh boy, do NOT go in there

*guy walks in anyway*

*comes out screaming*

me: ya it’s like super haunted

@LaceyNycole

Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!

-my baby

@WilliamAder

Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.

@paperphotoyo

Being a parent means you have to make gigantic sacrifices like quality sleep and the backs to every remote control in your house.

@1_swarthy_dude

83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.

@thevaginadiary

I used to think sex in those apocalyptic movies was so dumb cuz who would want sex when everything’s going to shit? I do, I want sex.. I changed my mind.

@PinkCamoTO

If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.