@DaddyJew

I put the D in donut. And I do it quickly before any of my coworkers return to the break room

*giggles*

You Might Also Like

@jacquiewalters

Me: *finally deciding to be productive*

Computer: I SHALL UPDATE FOR YOU NOW

@Almighty_Smoot

Sorry I mixed 50,000 instant pudding packets into your above ground pool

@Tmoney68

Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.

@offbeatoliv

[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house

@fart

btw, my linkedin endorsements for “Dreamweaver” are for me singing the song Dreamweaver and not for using that software

@Marlebean

Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”

@usermcuserface

Tonight we dine in hell!
(Dies in battle)
Hi, Take a seat in the booth with the 3 vegans. Your beets and kale will be out soon.

Oh shit…

@DaddyJew

Gf: you’re speeding!

Me: no im not

Gf: what’s the speed limit?

Me: the speed limit is the liquor store is about to close

Gf: drive