There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
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soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
this is uni
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot