“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
You Might Also Like
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
When you can’t find your friend Neil
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor