I put the “m” in illiterate

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[In car, headed to store]

7: What’s wrong, Mommy?

Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.

[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]

Me: *scratches*



Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”


The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.


Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time


ME: want anything for breakfast?

BOSS: just banana

[struggling to hold office door shut]

ANA: let me in!

ME: sorry boss said to ban you


My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.


What do people who work at The Weather Channel talk about in the elevator?


Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.