I put the “m” in illiterate
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[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
ME: want anything for breakfast?
BOSS: just banana
[struggling to hold office door shut]
ANA: let me in!
ME: sorry boss said to ban you
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
What do people who work at The Weather Channel talk about in the elevator?
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.