I put the p in pants.
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If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.