I put “the rap” in therapy.

Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.

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Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”


Her: I love it when we finish each other’s

Him: pancakes


Guys, you can have Girl Scout cookies delivered.

I’m not crying, you’re crying.


To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.


Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶

Friend: Cry

Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶


How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?



Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.


I just woke up and scared the hell out of this mortician.


Baby showers are so weird.

It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.