“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
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I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.