I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
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I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
I have a new favorite meme page
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
the noise i just made
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
Somebody’s lying.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.