I quarantined with my mother so that I didn’t have to worry about her safety.
PSA….I’m starting to worry about her safety.

You Might Also Like


I like long walks on the beach and lying about being married.


I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving


thank u scooby doo. u taught me that monsters aren’t real and that the thing hiding in my closet is actually an unhinged museum curator draped in a white bedsheet


I love how binge watching a tv show is now portrayed as a fun activity instead of an expression of deep emotional turmoil and depression


me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?


Sorry I threw rice at the coffin. I don’t get invited to much.


If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.


If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally


My wife has her period so I suggested swimming, beach volleyball and a horseback ride. She told me to piss off. Commercials are misleading.


*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]

*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]