I like long walks on the beach and lying about being married.
I quarantined with my mother so that I didn’t have to worry about her safety.
PSA….I’m starting to worry about her safety.
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I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
thank u scooby doo. u taught me that monsters aren’t real and that the thing hiding in my closet is actually an unhinged museum curator draped in a white bedsheet
I love how binge watching a tv show is now portrayed as a fun activity instead of an expression of deep emotional turmoil and depression
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Sorry I threw rice at the coffin. I don’t get invited to much.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
My wife has her period so I suggested swimming, beach volleyball and a horseback ride. She told me to piss off. Commercials are misleading.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]
*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]