Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
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I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
My dress code is business-casualty.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.