I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.

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*gets handed a Mario Kart controller at a party*

I don’t know guys, I’ve never done this before.

*straps on monogrammed driving gloves*


Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.


“There is no ‘I’ in team!” Steve Jobs yells at his iTeam.


[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*



*opens Advil*

*takes Advil*

*closes Advil*

*looks at husband*

“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”


To the cars honking behind me,

Sorry I held up the drive thru line for 5 minutes counting to make sure I got all 50 of my McNuggets


When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.


Boss: You’re late

Me: Sorry, my clock was set to Australian time

Boss: That would make today Saturday

Me: You’re right. I’ll go home


I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.