*gets handed a Mario Kart controller at a party*
I don’t know guys, I’ve never done this before.
*straps on monogrammed driving gloves*
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
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Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
“There is no ‘I’ in team!” Steve Jobs yells at his iTeam.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
To the cars honking behind me,
Sorry I held up the drive thru line for 5 minutes counting to make sure I got all 50 of my McNuggets
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
Boss: You’re late
Me: Sorry, my clock was set to Australian time
Boss: That would make today Saturday
Me: You’re right. I’ll go home
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.