@Pork_Chop_Hair

I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.

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@TheHatdog

*gets handed a Mario Kart controller at a party*

I don’t know guys, I’ve never done this before.

*straps on monogrammed driving gloves*

@Jandalize

Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.

@CMHorrocks

“There is no ‘I’ in team!” Steve Jobs yells at his iTeam.

@ElleOhHell

[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*

[credits]

@mommajessiec

*opens Advil*

*takes Advil*

*closes Advil*

*looks at husband*

“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”

@Mr_Kapowski

To the cars honking behind me,

Sorry I held up the drive thru line for 5 minutes counting to make sure I got all 50 of my McNuggets

@TheBoydP

When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.

@Mr_Kapowski

Boss: You’re late

Me: Sorry, my clock was set to Australian time

Boss: That would make today Saturday

Me: You’re right. I’ll go home

@TheWriteStuff2u

I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.