I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
You Might Also Like
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.