I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
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M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
More like Kate Missington.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”