I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
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Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.