I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice

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[crowded elevator]

Alright I’m a little concerned about the capacity so let’s all go around and say how much we weigh *gets out calculator*


her: what are you thinking about?
me: these pretzels are making me thirsty


Your restraining order says NO

But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.


“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”

{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.


A jogger just yelled at me for accidentally blowing pot smoke in his face. So I yelled at him for making me feel fat.


[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”

-What is goingon?

“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”


Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.


My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.


You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.


UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god