@PaperWash

I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice

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@PastorBate

[crowded elevator]

Alright I’m a little concerned about the capacity so let’s all go around and say how much we weigh *gets out calculator*

@novicefather

[cuddling]
her: what are you thinking about?
me: these pretzels are making me thirsty

@Glove_Monkey

Your restraining order says NO

But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.

@Marlebean

“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”

{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.

@farleftcoast

A jogger just yelled at me for accidentally blowing pot smoke in his face. So I yelled at him for making me feel fat.

@dinokitten

[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”

-What is goingon?

“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”

@Elizasoul80

Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.

@ericsshadow

My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.

@shesananteater

You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.

@dafloydsta

UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god