“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
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The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
I’m having an out of money experience.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
Only a mother’s love …
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle