I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
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Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.