I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
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I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
(Musicians.)
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Brilliant!
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.