@robyn_vo

I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.

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@prufrockluvsong

Player 1: There goes his funny bone.

Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!

Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!

@SICKOFWOLVES

HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD

@sucittaM

Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.

@LaniBeno

Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.

@HeyoShellz

The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.

@MatCro

[watching TV]

GF: Tickle my back please

ME: Is that nice?

GF: Little bit higher

ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?

@GrantTanaka

Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.

@LindaInDisguise

The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.

@MartaEffing

[1st day in hell]
Devil: Your damnation will be that you are a shoe model for all eternity.
Me: That’s it?
D: *hands me orange Crocs*

@LukeMones

This google docs thing is lame. Whatever happened to those viruses that turned your screen into a laughing skull & shut down the power grid?