@robyn_vo

I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.

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@Sirrruh

Ate a whole box of donuts. But I ate them *really* fast so hopefully that counts as a workout and balances out the calories.

@SteveSuckington

“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”

-meteorologists

@internetluke

[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes

@_SingleBabyMama

Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.

Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.

@Ryan_Patricks

My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.

@akatinamarie

I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.

@mattgallo123

<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?

Me: no

@pilau

Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful