Lobsters gonna lobst.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
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Ate a whole box of donuts. But I ate them *really* fast so hopefully that counts as a workout and balances out the calories.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful