Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
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HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
[1st day in hell]
Devil: Your damnation will be that you are a shoe model for all eternity.
Me: That’s it?
D: *hands me orange Crocs*
This google docs thing is lame. Whatever happened to those viruses that turned your screen into a laughing skull & shut down the power grid?