I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
You Might Also Like
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.