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@CornOnTheGoblin

[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]

@illTortuga

I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.

@Caissie

I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”

@ericsshadow

SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.

ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait

@HatfieldAnne

With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?

@WilliamAder

My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.

@TheMichaelRock

I hate when my wife says “GO WAIT IN THE CAR” because I’m not sure if she’s talking to me or the kids.

@amydillon

*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*

“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”