I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
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Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
Brother?
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard