I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
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1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”