@ImJESSPlayin

I ran into my ex today.
Long story short, my car is totaled.

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@AndyAsAdjective

8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?

ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch

8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?

@BobLoblaw143637

“I’m so sick of this life”

* sees preview for next life*

“Yeah.. That’s not gonna work for me either.”

@RedheadChaos

New guy: I really like your name

Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday

@WhatsAGreenhorn

[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.

Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.

Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando

@carlyken

Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”

@SnarkyMommy78

11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back

@realHamOnWry

Her: Why are we in this McDonalds drive though? You promised we were going for a romantic picnic under the stars.

Me: *Opens sun roof*

@KentingtonC

Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”

Me: “ok”

Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”

@MarkAgee

People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse

@EricGoldie

Apparently “some assembly required” is IKEA for “here’s a beech tree and some nails.”