My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
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Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Breaking news:
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
File under excellent bookstore names.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development