I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
You Might Also Like
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
My first son he is wonderful
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.