I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
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Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
According to math, I’m broke
Just me and my debit card against the world
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica