I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
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Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too