4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
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Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
[hiding in the bushes]
Me:*whispering*they can’t see me
Cops: Sir. Your light up shoes are still flashing.
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok