@mrsjohngoodman

I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts

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@zoevsuniverse

4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”

@msgwenl

Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.

@AimeeHelene1

Me: *pees on her leg*

Her: *screams*

Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!

Security: That’s for STINGS.

Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*

@JKickinit30

[hiding in the bushes]

Me:*whispering*they can’t see me

Cops: Sir. Your light up shoes are still flashing.

@TheToddWilliams

[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude

@__iCE_CREAM__

Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it

@shopkins776

Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you

@stephenjmolloy

Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”

@tastefactory

Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok