I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
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this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
That de-escalated quickly
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people