@Tmoney68

I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.

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@MethShart

David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.

@rickkondell

Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.

@TheSharona06

[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.

@cat_whisperer_

Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.

@DaddyJew

Interviewer: what’s your current salary?

Me: zero. That’s why I’m here. Is this your first interview?

@markpopham

one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays

@truegritrumble

ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:

@truegritrumble

ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.

@CrockettForReal

I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game