I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
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What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
shit just got real
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
cat faces on other animals, a thread