I have high blood pressure, but my dogs don’t. So, from now on I’m only getting upset about squirrels and mailmen.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
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Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
You can’t spell “secret government conspiracies” without that 27th letter of the alphabet that they’re hiding from us
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
me: would you ever hit someone with a car for $50
Date: oh dear god no
Me: *counting my money* what about $57?
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Twilight drinking game rules:
1) drink 40 shots when you press play so you can die before the movie starts.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Probably not a coincidence that Taylor Swift just spent $17M on a mansion only two states away from me.