@XplodingUnicorn

I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.

My favorite child is the Roomba.

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@Eightinchgoat

I have high blood pressure, but my dogs don’t. So, from now on I’m only getting upset about squirrels and mailmen.

@squirrel74wkgn

[text message]

Coworker: Can I call you quick?

Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me

@DillDoes

You can’t spell “secret government conspiracies” without that 27th letter of the alphabet that they’re hiding from us

@Elizasoul80

When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.

@captainkalvis

me: would you ever hit someone with a car for $50

Date: oh dear god no

Me: *counting my money* what about $57?

@_Tempo11

If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.

@JD_KC

House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.

@chickenmclovin

Twilight drinking game rules:

1) drink 40 shots when you press play so you can die before the movie starts.

@thedailymarker

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.

@michaelianblack

Probably not a coincidence that Taylor Swift just spent $17M on a mansion only two states away from me.