I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
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What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
starting a garage orchestra
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.