I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
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I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
Remember folks 😂
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.