I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
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[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber