*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
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WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.