I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
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it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
Two things I’m not looking forward to wrangling on this late-night flight: 1. Carry-on. 2. My wayward son.
Because I love being cold 95% of my life.
Top Gun (PG) – 1986
A military jet suffers thru two arrogant pilots’ bro-speak until finally fighting back, killing one of them – 110 mins
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*apple falls out*
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.