@thepaulahunt

I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.

You Might Also Like

@MariyaAlexander

I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it

@KenJennings

Two things I’m not looking forward to wrangling on this late-night flight: 1. Carry-on. 2. My wayward son.

@Sickayduh

Top Gun (PG) – 1986

A military jet suffers thru two arrogant pilots’ bro-speak until finally fighting back, killing one of them – 110 mins

@LoveNLunchmeat

I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?

@Skoog

dracula: you gotta stop

me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad

@iwearaonesie

[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100

@_Tempo11

Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.

@alispagnola

Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.