@envydatropic

I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.

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@Amusitr0n

Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well

@onume_

Son: Dad I’m in love with a girl just like mum.
Father: So what do you want from me? Sympathy?

@JasonLastname

On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.

@TweetPotato314

me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month

therapist: how does that make you feel

me: pretty tired I walk a lot

@drayzze

Someone told me that coconut oil is great for sex…

So how much do I have to drink beforehand?

@GrantTanaka

During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter

@NamikTan

Donald Trump’s “perfect” letter to Santa. Via @NewYorker

@RubenWriter

The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.

@HomeProbably

If you get butterflies in your stomach

You should probably stop eating insects