Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
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Son: Dad I’m in love with a girl just like mum.
Father: So what do you want from me? Sympathy?
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
Cop behind me just turned. Best unfollow ever.
Someone told me that coconut oil is great for sex…
So how much do I have to drink beforehand?
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Donald Trump’s “perfect” letter to Santa. Via @NewYorker
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects