I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
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You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
it must be school picture day
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.