I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
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It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…