[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
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90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations