I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
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People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Somebody call the cops.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
happy valentine’s day to me
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…