I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
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ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
don’t be scared
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time