I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
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[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
(yawn)
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
barbara was highly relatable
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.