I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
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Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
not for long
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter