Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
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ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.