Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store

[coffee shop]

ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]

CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?

ME: No it’s a flyer

Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.

I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.

1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie

Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.

Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel

[face down in a bowl of hot soup]

waiter: is everything ok?

me: *bubble noises*

dentist: u need to floss

me: no

dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth

me: really

dentist: in a fistfight

me: that sounds unrelated

dentist: it was my fist. do what i say

crazy

The guy I’m training thinks he’s going to take my job by undermining me, listen, buddy, you can have it.

welcome mats are just gateway rugs

I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon

Bird: Good morning! How are you?

Me: Oh my God! You can talk!

Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.

Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”

Scientist: what do u know about atoms

Me: very little

boss: what are u doing

me: *pretends to read email*

boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”

Piñatas are a fun way to intentionally maim the guests at your party.

Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?

Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?

You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.

me: hey watch out for the poison ivy

friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car

GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational

ANGEL: ok cool

GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol

And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.

I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything

Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control

-me, in this hotel room

If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more

Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’

Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.