I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
You Might Also Like
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him