I read the other day that if you leave alcohol-based hand sanitizer in your car it can ignite in the hot sun and blow your car up and my takeaway was “don’t leave your phone in the car”

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[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out


My wife said she wants to be treated like gold on her birthday.

Apparently, locking her in the safe wasn’t what she had in mind.


1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon


Breaking News: Playboy to eliminate nude pictures from their magazine.

“What’s a magazine?” asked every guy under 30.


They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness


Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?

Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.


My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.


[first day as a tampon designer]

Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.


I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.

Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted