Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
I read the other day that if you leave alcohol-based hand sanitizer in your car it can ignite in the hot sun and blow your car up and my takeaway was “don’t leave your phone in the car”
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Boom! You’re pregnant!
-Me, speed dating
My wife said she wants to be treated like gold on her birthday.
Apparently, locking her in the safe wasn’t what she had in mind.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
Breaking News: Playboy to eliminate nude pictures from their magazine.
“What’s a magazine?” asked every guy under 30.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted