They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
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Can’t. About to go please some beans
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*